lately...

maybe i should blog more? it's been months. i like to write...i really do, it's just that every time i sit down to write i have SO many thoughts swimming around in my head mixed with so many feelings and voices, that it's hard to write about one thing specifically. Then i worry, will what i really want to say come out the right way? will i end up offending people? will this sound stupid? why should people read what i have to say anyways? ... mixed with... who cares? this is my blog right? surely i can write about my own life?
i am a little crazy i know this.
welp. one thing i would like to write about is finishing up the Joshua Wilderness Institue at Hume Lake. I graduated on Sunday, May 11. It still feels like a dream. The whole thing. I initially went to the Joshua Wilderness Institute because i felt the Lord calling me there. People ask... what does that mean? God called you? Yes, he called me. At the time i was on a missions trip in Thailand and studying through the book of Matthew. In Matthew i was reading all about Jesus' life and ministry and was SO fascinated with how Jesus spent 30 years of his life preparing for his 3 years of Ministry. 30 years for 3! When i look at my life, i want to serve the Lord. I do. It's all i want. Whether in a jungle in Africa or suburbia, USA, i want to serve him. I realize that is a BIG statement, especially with the God i serve. I say this because i serve a God that asks his followers to give up EVERYTHING (fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers) even their VERY lives to follow after Him, DAILY (Matt.10:37-39, 16:24-25). Therefore, i must ask myself daily, are you giving up everything to follow after God? The truth is, i'm not, not faithfully at least, some days are better than others. However, life is a process, a process of Sanctification (becoming holy) and God is faithful EVERYDAY to be my teacher, even when i am not faithful to pick myself up and follow after him. So, the Joshua program was another step for me in the direction towards a life fully devoted to Him. I left everything, my job, family, friends, life, to follow Him into this "wilderness" of an experience, and He met me there in BIG ways. I experienced God as my defender, my daily bread, my friend, my comfort, my counselor, my sustainer, my teacher, and revealer of Truth. The more i learn about God, the more i realize that i know nothing and that there is SO much more to learn and know and grow in, and that to me is exciting. It's a reason to live. This world is so temporary. This life is so temporary. This day is SO temporary. But a life spent glorifying God is eternal. ETERNAL. I can't even grasp that.
i confess that i am afraid. i am so afraid of what the future may hold for me, but how can i live any other way besides for the Lord? He has chosen me, i am His. He is God and i am not. He holds the Universe in His hands. So as i look back on the last 9 months i spent living at Hume Lake in the Joshua Wilderness Institute, i say...Thank you Lord, thank you SO much, for everything, it was all in your plan.

In His Hands...

What an amazing God i serve! This past week probably tops all of being one of my worst so far this year. I won't go into details, but let me just say i was on my knees so broken, spirit crushed. Back to the amazing God part... i find it SO mind boggling that the Creator of the universe cares about my life. One of the big things that i am continually learning in my Christian walk is that it is one thing to say you believe and another to live what you believe. For me, it is one thing to say i believe that God is my strength, my defender and loves me, and an entirely different thing to live that out in my life. It's crazy to me how God can take a situation that seems SO incredibly awful to me and turn it into something that can be such a huge lesson for me to gain from. This past week i have really experienced the God of hope, the God of strength and the God of a BIG BIG love for me. Just another reminder to me that i am in His hands and He has me exactly where He wants me. Just another reason to wake up and live for Him.

why are you afraid?

lately i have been experiencing a lot of fear. more specifically i have been fearing the future and fearing losing a loved one. it has been so weird for me because i have never really legitimately had these 2 types of fears so vividly before. these fears have been randomly creeping up lately into my thought life. So, this morning during devos i was praying and thoughts about the future began to pop up in my head. questions like "what are you going to do this summer? are you going to stay at Hume and take a job? what about bills? what about home? what are your fall plans? where are you going? are you staying home or leaving? more school? work? china?" i began to feel overwhelmed and cried out, "Lord speak to me... tell me what you want me to do" i sat for a while in the silence and decided to begin reading my Bible and asking God to speak to me through His Word. i started reading about Jesus' work and letting His words minister to me. i read about the miracles he was doing and came upon the feeding of the 5000. I marvelled again at it and continued on. my reading soon took me to Jesus and his disciples on a boat during a terrible storm. Jesus is sleeping on a cushion in the stern of the boat and his disciples fearfully rush to him and ask "Don't you care if we drown?" Then it says that Jesus got up and completely calmed the storm with just his words. He then turned to his disciples and said, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" These words cut straight to my soul. "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" this phrase repeated over and over in my mind and i began to write it on my hand... "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:40 NIV) Just as the disciples had seen Jesus feed 5000 people with nothing, over and over in my life i have seen God provide for me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually over and over and over again! I was so encouraged. Why am i afraid? Where is my faith? My faith is in a God who keeps his promises, a God who made the Universe, a God who sent his only son to die on a cross for me... a God who gently reminds me through His word that He is there and He knows my future, will never give me anything i cannot handle by His grace and will never forsake me because i am his precious child. what comfort! ... just thought i would share :)

love love love...

This week we have such a great speaker. He is led by God and has rocked our group. His words have rocked me. I am so thankful God created Josh Riebock and that He sent him to speak truth into our lives.

Lately i have been learning so much about loving God and what that means and what that looks like played out in my life. This world needs love. Pure love from God. If all i do in this life is love people well, like God loves, then i have done all i have been created to do. That blows my mind. I have always wondered... "God, what's your will for my life? What am i supposed to do? Why am i created? Why have you chosen me?" The answer is so simple. LOVE. God's will for my life is to love Him and love others. I am supposed to wake up each day and commit to love at all costs to my own comfort. I was created out of God's great love and He chose me before the foundation of the world because He loved me so. I confess, I get so hung up on the simpleness of it all. LOVE. Could it be that easy? And God whispers... "It is...only with my help... love me and love others." My sinful selfish nature keeps me from this simple realization but i see that my life will be a never-ending opportunity to live a life of love. I hope in this love that has been revealed to me.
"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

last night...

Last night was probably one of my hardest but best nights so far here at Joshua. This week our speaker is John Alvarado. He was sharing his story and talking about how the organization he works with feeds the starving kids in Mexico. His words brought back a lot of memories and a lot of my experience in China. While i was in China this Summer, i had the amazing opportunity to visit one of the orphanages that the kids we had at camp came from. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. The first room we walked into had about 15-20 kids in it and they all were sitting there like zombies. There was no life in their eyes. I saw one child that was so skinny she looked like one of the children you see on TV specials who are starving in Africa. The children were so dirty and smelled like they hadn't been bathed in weeks. We went into several more rooms with about the same amount of children and there were only a few staff members to be found and they followed us from room to room. They explained that they had twice as many infants as the children we saw but refused to show them to us. With the state these children were in, i could only imagine the terrible conditions the babies must have been in. There were so many times i wanted to break down and cry, but i felt the need to hold all of my tears in and just smile at every child that looked my way. They kept grabbing for me and for my attention. Each of them just wanting to be touched or talked to. It was overwhelming. My heart was broken. They took us to the lunch room and told us not to bring our cameras. There i saw children sipping broth and eating small portions of rice and some didn't even have rice to eat. After only a few minutes the man in charge of our 'tour' asked us to leave their dining hall. I wondered if he had seen the looks on our faces. No wonder favorite part of the day for my orphans at camp was meal time. Each meal at camp they would scarf down all of their food and I would give them the food that was on my plate as well. We left the orphanage and went back to the University where we were running camp. I was silent the whole car ride trying to process what i had seen but i couldn't. Last night, as John Alvarado was sharing, everything came rushing back. As i sat on the couch in the great room listening to him speak i couldn't stop the tears from falling. I got up and left during his closing prayer unable to control myself. I ran upstairs to my room, fell to the floor and began sobbing. I was crying so hard that my eyes turned a bright red. I needed to be alone and knew any minute that my roommate would be coming up the stairs. I quickly put on some warm clothes and grabbed my flash light and walked out of the building. It was raining and dark and cold but i didnt care i needed to feel something other than the pain that was rushing my heart at the moment. I walked down the hill and then back up imagining a few times in my head what i would do if i ran into a bear or a mountain lion and it tried to eat me, haha. I sat in the rain for about a half an hour talking to God and praying for those whom he brought to my mind. Nothing magical happened and i didnt get any answers, but there was something just so soothing about crying out to the Lord and sitting with him in the dark and in the silence.
It was wonderful.

The Heavens declare His GLORY!

Most Mondays at Joshua we have 'DTGs' which either means 'ditch the girls' or 'ditch the guys'. This allows for some quality time with just the gals or just the guys to hang out and do something fun together. Sometimes our DTGs are joint. Today was such a day. Jeff Lilley (the director of Hume Lake) took us on a hike up into some mountains at Hume. The staff opted to take us on a couple mile hike instead of a 10 mile hike so that if it started snowing our vehicles would be ok. I was all for that! Anyways, we began our hike ad tromped through the forest. It was REALLY foggy. So foggy in fact, that when we reached our destination at the top of a mountain, we could only see white all around us. I whispered a prayer in my head that God would wipe away the fog so we could see his beautiful creation all around us. Everyone found a place and we began to eat our sack lunches. A few moments later i a cold wind and looked up. Before my eyes i saw the thick fog being pushed away and a view of hundreds of trees was soon visible! The sky parted into two cloudy sections and the sun shone through in some parts. Everyone stared around in awe! A view that was once pure white was now colorful and clear! It was quite a sight to see and such a blessing from the Lord! He chose to reveal his beautiful creation to his children sitting on a mountain top waiting for a glimpse of Him.
It reminds me of a song i used to sing at a prayer group i was a member of a long time ago...

My God is so great!
So strong and so mighty,

there's nothing my God cannot do!

The mountains are His
The valleys are His
The stars are his handywork too!

My God is so great!

So strong and so mighty,there's nothing my God cannot do

for you and you and you and me!

down the hill!

I had this past weekend off and decided to take full advantage of Fresno! Which, isn't much if you are familiar with the area :) Some friends and i headed down the hill and enjoyed everything a Joshua student dreams about! In N Out, shopping!, The Mall, quality facebook time with free wifi, talking on a cell phone, and The Cheesecake Factory! We even got to see some 'Yes on Prop. 8' protesters. It felt SO nice to get off the mountain and into some civilization for a day!