Let no day slip over without some comfort received from the Word of God. - John Knox

could it possibly be true?

Could it possibly be true that God would allow me to experience my greatest fear to show me His power in my weakness?
I think so. I once heard that the worshipper of God is truly revealed when one continues to worship God in weakness. A no-brainer, one might think, or at least I did when I first heard the phrase. But here I am. My heart is crushed and my eyes sore from crying.
Tonight a truth was revealed to me, and not just any truth. The very truth revealed to me was my greatest fear. I am kind of in shock at the moment. So many emotions and yet a strange numbness at the same time. Could this numbness be the very peace of God? I hope.
To have the power to forgive someone for the wrong done to you is quite a dangerous position to find yourself in. The battle of the flesh to have it's way is strong, but God is stronger. "It's not fair!, I deserve more!, I deserve revenge!" screams my flesh. Yet in whispers stronger than any scream, a still small voice repeats, "Dear child, remember what I have done for you. Remember my perfect plan. Discover my perfect peace." Because God has forgiven me for everything, past, present, and future, it has always been my strong conviction when in the position to forgive others, to do it...

"Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Colossians 3:12-14

I think it is quite amazing how God prepares His children to walk through the fire, and prepares their hearts for all things. Even in in tears as I write this, I look back and see how God has been preparing me for this moment. I find peace, hope, and strength in his word and will continue to follow Him throughout my struggle.

your prayer versus questioning is much appreciated.
grace and peace.

"Keep falsehood and lies far from me;

give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD ?'

Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God"

Proverbs 30:8-9

This proverb is hauntingly true to the prayer of my heart at the moment. This verse has such insight into the human mind. If I have plenty of money, there is no need for me to be dependent on the Lord the way I am dependent when I am wondering how I am going to be able to make rent and still be able to eat the following week. It's funny to me how abundance of money can make one dishonor God by not being dependent on him and the lack of money can dishonor the name of God by causing one to steal or not trust Him to provide, but just enough daily, satisfies the soul. I am finding that this concept isn't just true of money, but also of grace, patience, joy, contentment and love.

Searching for a job I've found, is quite a discouraging thing (at least it has been in my case). Daily submitting resumes, filling out applications, attending interviews... "selling" myself to someone about why they should hire me. It's humbling for sure.

Part of me says, ENOUGH! enough of this "humbling"!! But, i know, to be humble is to be like Jesus, so i find myself at the end of the day saying, "ok, Lord, I will keep going. Thank you for the lessons today. 'Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD? Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God' "

So, at work there are some really slow times. Time when the phone doesn't ring and everything has been taken care of for the moment. Usually at those times I click on the RSS feeds and see what's going on in the world, but recently the idea came to my head to read the Bible online any chance i get. Might as well right? So i decided to read through the New Testament and try it out in the "Message" version. It has been quite interesting so far. I can't say that i have agreed with everything that the translation has said, but it has been awesome to have new eyes for familiar Bible passages. Anyways, today when i was reading, i came across this and it really made me think and evaluate where i am at...

^18-19When Jesus saw that a curious crowd was growing by the minute, he told his disciples to get him out of there to the other side of the lake. As they left, a religion scholar asked if he could go along. "I'll go with you, wherever," he said. ²⁰Jesus was curt: "Are you ready to rough it? We're not staying in the best inns, you know."

These verses made me wonder what Jesus would say to me. I realize that so much of my life is based on comfort. How i live, what i eat, what i wear, my friends, my car... EVERYTHING. I wouldn't exactly call myself a "roughin it" kind of girl either. I like makeup and dresses and things that smell nice. I wonder what Jesus thinks of the life i've been living? I have always wondered how "sold out" i need to be or if i have to be a certain kind of person. Does Jesus want me to sell everything i have? give away my car and take the bus to work? stop wearing makeup and stop buying shoes (oh shoes! i haven't bought any in SO long!)? I know i am probably sounding pretty shallow right now and making my faith sound like it is going to be judged on how little i have or how "rough" i appear, but these are things i think about. Would Jesus reply curtly to me, "You know, there is no makeup or nail salons where i am going and you'll probably have to wear the same clothes for the rest of the journey, are you sure you want to come?" Or if Jesus came to me and said "sell everything you own and come follow me", i would like to say that i would do it in a second. But does my life now, my possessions now, my actions now, show a life of one totally surrendered? Where is the line?

The beauty of all of these questions and thoughts rolling around in my head is that Jesus hears them and has answers. I know that God created me and i am precious in his sight. He wants what is best for me and wants me to have an abundant life in him. I pray that as i continue growing, the things of this world and my earthly possessions will hold less and less value to me. It's so easy for me to get trapped in accumulating things and become a slave to possessions. i would like to say that even if everything i owned were to be burnt up tomorrow that i would be content because i have Christ but honestly, i am far from that point. if i walked outside and up to my car tomorrow and found it a heap of ashes, i would probably freak out. If i looked into my closet and found nothing but scraps and smoke i would probably cry. Does Jesus point his finger and condemn me for that reaction? No! Those are my reactions now, but i don't think God wants me to stay there. He wants me to grow and change and view things differently. One day i will.

What a patient and caring and graceful God i serve! One who loves me despite my daily failures, silly questions, and distractions.

Although sometimes it is not so fun thinking about how far i have to go and how much i need to learn, it is kind of nice each morning when i wake to hear Jesus simply say:

"Give me today."

lately...

maybe i should blog more? it's been months. i like to write...i really do, it's just that every time i sit down to write i have SO many thoughts swimming around in my head mixed with so many feelings and voices, that it's hard to write about one thing specifically. Then i worry, will what i really want to say come out the right way? will i end up offending people? will this sound stupid? why should people read what i have to say anyways? ... mixed with... who cares? this is my blog right? surely i can write about my own life?
i am a little crazy i know this.
welp. one thing i would like to write about is finishing up the Joshua Wilderness Institue at Hume Lake. I graduated on Sunday, May 11. It still feels like a dream. The whole thing. I initially went to the Joshua Wilderness Institute because i felt the Lord calling me there. People ask... what does that mean? God called you? Yes, he called me. At the time i was on a missions trip in Thailand and studying through the book of Matthew. In Matthew i was reading all about Jesus' life and ministry and was SO fascinated with how Jesus spent 30 years of his life preparing for his 3 years of Ministry. 30 years for 3! When i look at my life, i want to serve the Lord. I do. It's all i want. Whether in a jungle in Africa or suburbia, USA, i want to serve him. I realize that is a BIG statement, especially with the God i serve. I say this because i serve a God that asks his followers to give up EVERYTHING (fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers) even their VERY lives to follow after Him, DAILY (Matt.10:37-39, 16:24-25). Therefore, i must ask myself daily, are you giving up everything to follow after God? The truth is, i'm not, not faithfully at least, some days are better than others. However, life is a process, a process of Sanctification (becoming holy) and God is faithful EVERYDAY to be my teacher, even when i am not faithful to pick myself up and follow after him. So, the Joshua program was another step for me in the direction towards a life fully devoted to Him. I left everything, my job, family, friends, life, to follow Him into this "wilderness" of an experience, and He met me there in BIG ways. I experienced God as my defender, my daily bread, my friend, my comfort, my counselor, my sustainer, my teacher, and revealer of Truth. The more i learn about God, the more i realize that i know nothing and that there is SO much more to learn and know and grow in, and that to me is exciting. It's a reason to live. This world is so temporary. This life is so temporary. This day is SO temporary. But a life spent glorifying God is eternal. ETERNAL. I can't even grasp that.
i confess that i am afraid. i am so afraid of what the future may hold for me, but how can i live any other way besides for the Lord? He has chosen me, i am His. He is God and i am not. He holds the Universe in His hands. So as i look back on the last 9 months i spent living at Hume Lake in the Joshua Wilderness Institute, i say...Thank you Lord, thank you SO much, for everything, it was all in your plan.

In His Hands...

What an amazing God i serve! This past week probably tops all of being one of my worst so far this year. I won't go into details, but let me just say i was on my knees so broken, spirit crushed. Back to the amazing God part... i find it SO mind boggling that the Creator of the universe cares about my life. One of the big things that i am continually learning in my Christian walk is that it is one thing to say you believe and another to live what you believe. For me, it is one thing to say i believe that God is my strength, my defender and loves me, and an entirely different thing to live that out in my life. It's crazy to me how God can take a situation that seems SO incredibly awful to me and turn it into something that can be such a huge lesson for me to gain from. This past week i have really experienced the God of hope, the God of strength and the God of a BIG BIG love for me. Just another reminder to me that i am in His hands and He has me exactly where He wants me. Just another reason to wake up and live for Him.

why are you afraid?

lately i have been experiencing a lot of fear. more specifically i have been fearing the future and fearing losing a loved one. it has been so weird for me because i have never really legitimately had these 2 types of fears so vividly before. these fears have been randomly creeping up lately into my thought life. So, this morning during devos i was praying and thoughts about the future began to pop up in my head. questions like "what are you going to do this summer? are you going to stay at Hume and take a job? what about bills? what about home? what are your fall plans? where are you going? are you staying home or leaving? more school? work? china?" i began to feel overwhelmed and cried out, "Lord speak to me... tell me what you want me to do" i sat for a while in the silence and decided to begin reading my Bible and asking God to speak to me through His Word. i started reading about Jesus' work and letting His words minister to me. i read about the miracles he was doing and came upon the feeding of the 5000. I marvelled again at it and continued on. my reading soon took me to Jesus and his disciples on a boat during a terrible storm. Jesus is sleeping on a cushion in the stern of the boat and his disciples fearfully rush to him and ask "Don't you care if we drown?" Then it says that Jesus got up and completely calmed the storm with just his words. He then turned to his disciples and said, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" These words cut straight to my soul. "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" this phrase repeated over and over in my mind and i began to write it on my hand... "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:40 NIV) Just as the disciples had seen Jesus feed 5000 people with nothing, over and over in my life i have seen God provide for me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually over and over and over again! I was so encouraged. Why am i afraid? Where is my faith? My faith is in a God who keeps his promises, a God who made the Universe, a God who sent his only son to die on a cross for me... a God who gently reminds me through His word that He is there and He knows my future, will never give me anything i cannot handle by His grace and will never forsake me because i am his precious child. what comfort! ... just thought i would share :)