lately...

maybe i should blog more? it's been months. i like to write...i really do, it's just that every time i sit down to write i have SO many thoughts swimming around in my head mixed with so many feelings and voices, that it's hard to write about one thing specifically. Then i worry, will what i really want to say come out the right way? will i end up offending people? will this sound stupid? why should people read what i have to say anyways? ... mixed with... who cares? this is my blog right? surely i can write about my own life?
i am a little crazy i know this.
welp. one thing i would like to write about is finishing up the Joshua Wilderness Institue at Hume Lake. I graduated on Sunday, May 11. It still feels like a dream. The whole thing. I initially went to the Joshua Wilderness Institute because i felt the Lord calling me there. People ask... what does that mean? God called you? Yes, he called me. At the time i was on a missions trip in Thailand and studying through the book of Matthew. In Matthew i was reading all about Jesus' life and ministry and was SO fascinated with how Jesus spent 30 years of his life preparing for his 3 years of Ministry. 30 years for 3! When i look at my life, i want to serve the Lord. I do. It's all i want. Whether in a jungle in Africa or suburbia, USA, i want to serve him. I realize that is a BIG statement, especially with the God i serve. I say this because i serve a God that asks his followers to give up EVERYTHING (fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers) even their VERY lives to follow after Him, DAILY (Matt.10:37-39, 16:24-25). Therefore, i must ask myself daily, are you giving up everything to follow after God? The truth is, i'm not, not faithfully at least, some days are better than others. However, life is a process, a process of Sanctification (becoming holy) and God is faithful EVERYDAY to be my teacher, even when i am not faithful to pick myself up and follow after him. So, the Joshua program was another step for me in the direction towards a life fully devoted to Him. I left everything, my job, family, friends, life, to follow Him into this "wilderness" of an experience, and He met me there in BIG ways. I experienced God as my defender, my daily bread, my friend, my comfort, my counselor, my sustainer, my teacher, and revealer of Truth. The more i learn about God, the more i realize that i know nothing and that there is SO much more to learn and know and grow in, and that to me is exciting. It's a reason to live. This world is so temporary. This life is so temporary. This day is SO temporary. But a life spent glorifying God is eternal. ETERNAL. I can't even grasp that.
i confess that i am afraid. i am so afraid of what the future may hold for me, but how can i live any other way besides for the Lord? He has chosen me, i am His. He is God and i am not. He holds the Universe in His hands. So as i look back on the last 9 months i spent living at Hume Lake in the Joshua Wilderness Institute, i say...Thank you Lord, thank you SO much, for everything, it was all in your plan.